Amber

"She’s not with us anymore" 

My heart sank to its deepest.  I knew.  

"What do you mean she’s not with us anymore? Like she’s off the streets? Or she’s gone to be in heaven?"

"She’s passed.  Found her two weeks ago in an alley.  Overdosed on Heroin" 

Detroit seems to chew people up and spit them out. This girl was so beautiful.  She was a child at heart.  Most people would take one look and think prostitute, drug addict, worthless, her fault, her choice, her life, she could change it if she wanted to.  And most people would be completely ignorant, to put it nicely.  

Four weeks ago she spilled her guts to us about how she wanted to be clean.  She just got done with rehab, only had one hit since. “Sorry I’m talking so much, I had to much to drink" with a bottle in her hand.  She applied at a kmart, didn’t have anywhere else to go - so she’s back on the streets.  She had nothing to live for.  A debilitating disease she found out.  She’ll die soon anyway, why not just make it easy on herself and do it.  We offered her a hope that surpasses all understanding.  We prayed with her.  We loved her to our core.  She walked away and chucked her still full bottle into the field.  We all sat shocked that this broken, bruised, and battered girl who never spoke a word before just told us everything.  Everything.  She was done and she wanted out.  We let her know her worth.  Which was much.  

The whole conversation was reminiscent of mine with Mark before he died.  He was hopeless.  He sat there thinking there is no way out.  This recreational drug I did for fun overtook my life and I can’t even tell you when, where, or how it happened… but now I’m here.  And I looked him in the eyes and with a Love that wasn’t mine I told him his worth.  I told him there is hope.  

Six days later he died.  

If you think it’s so easy just to quit, you’re wrong.  Imagine the most hopeless you’ve ever felt and then multiply it by 1000 and that’s how they feel.  There is LITERALLY no escape.  Heroin, to them, is the skin that covers our bodies.  There isn’t even an option for us to take it off - we would never even think to, it protects us, it keeps us living, it is apart of us, we like it, we’ve come to know it, it is what makes us and holds us together.  That is what Heroin is.  There is nothing funny about it.  It’s heart breaking.  

My heart sank knowing that she had a family.  Yes, their battle is over and so is hers, but the emotions that come with that.  She was someones DAUGHTER.  She was someones SISTER.  She had a face.  She had a name.  She had a purpose and a place in life.  She was not some girl on the corner.  

Someone gave birth to her.  Someone carried her for 9 months in their stomach. And somewhere along the way, this life creeped in… inch by inch… step by step… until she opened her eyes one day and said, “where do I go from here? There has got to be more than this." And then one day she took her last breath.  

And no one would ever even blink an eye because of it.  

54 and 12

"He was the 54th person I knew that has died in 12 years. I’m not talking Facebook friends, I am talking 54 close - inner circle - friends of mine that have died in the last 12 years."

My heart broke as one of the girls on the streets shared this story with us. Most of us will probably never see 54 close friends die, let alone have the opportunity to have 54 close friends. In a world where you see another friend die due to overdoses or murders as fast as you change your nailpolish, you have nothing left to do but find a new friend and wait for them to die. At least that is how it seems.

She continued on to talk about her 12 year old daughter and how if she died her daughter would never see her again. Her words, “if I die, I’m a nobody, Detroit isn’t going to contact my family, I’m just another dead girl" and as they came out of her mouth my heart sank even further. I come from the background where my brother was a nobody and Detroit couldn’t even tell my family he was dead until 2 weeks after the fact. The only person to see my brother again was my dad when a Detroit morgue vehicle pulled in our driveway and showed my dad his dead face for identification.

We never saw him again. No open casket. We literally never saw him again. And everyone deserves that.

And I told her that. I told her I never got to see my brother again and he died alone In a field in Detroit and nobody cared. And her daughter deserves to see her again. And she cried.

This was the first time ever she has expressed interest in leaving the streets. And for that we are hopeful because if we don’t have hope we have nothing. We will never lose hope for these girls. What we see seems impossible but we belong to a God who is the God of Impossible.

blessings

Today was my last day at school forever. It was sad and I cried my eyes out on thursday thinking about having to take my stuff home. And as of now I still haven't cried, but I'm sure its soon going to happen. I loved being there, I loved every moment of it. Well, I guess not every moment but that's okay. I loved learning about hair and I loved meeting all the people I did and the wonderful educators at my school. It was all so wonderful.

So today, I woke up super late and came to school with 4 minutes to spare on the timeclock. My beautiful friends decorated my mirror and my station. I also got funfetti cupcakes from suzanne. :) and chocolates from jessie. :) from godiva :) At the beginning of my day, carolann, one of my regular guests, came in just to give me flowers and wished me goodluck and went on her way. It was such a surprise and it touched my heart. The jessie's mom came in and brought me beautiful daisies and bought us smoothies. Around 2 o'clock my very pretty paul mitchel small group lovely lady Kelly came and surprised me with lilies :). She is so special and it meant so much because I didn't even expect anything like that what-so-ever. She is so good and so amazIng and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I love her so much. And then in my head, my last appointment was Emily and we laughed a lot together while I washed her dirty hair. (That was in my head).

So my last day was so wonderul and I enjoyed it very much. I love everyone and will miss them so much. God truly blessed me in so many ways today and I love Him so much.

Thank you.

Ps. I went to slows and ate good food.

To Choose.

Def: To select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference

God has been speaking to me through this word a lot this week. It's in the book of haggai, where it hit me first. Haggai 2:23
"On that day, declares the Lord of hosts, I will take you Zerubbabel my servent, the son of Shealtiel, declares the Lord, and make you a signet ring, for I have chosen you, declares the Lord of hosts."
I just thought it was so neat that God chose us. And He did.

I went to watch the movie, "Date Night" with a friend today and the last words of the movie made my heart melt in a way that only Jesus can do. He said to his wife, "I'd do it all again, I'd choose you. I choose you everyday."
And God just brought this to light for me. He chose me. Out of a number of possibilities, He chose ME. He picked me by preference.

To choose is such a strong action. I believe that people take it for granted. Everyday we choose things. We choose right and wrong. We choose our every action of every moment of the day. Our choices make us who we are. We choose people to love and to spend time with and to be friends with. And if God chooses to be with us, well, I choose Him back. And I think if God chooses someone, then that someone should choose Him back. Period.

2 things

Two completely random thoughts all tied into one blog! This is exciting!!

1) I was under the impression the veal was vennisen (dear meat however it's spelled). I'm so glad someone told me before a guest at work asked me what veal was. I like dear meat. I don't know if I like veal.

2) God chose me. Haggai told me so. Well I guess the Lord of hosts told Haggai and then Haggai told me. I heard it through the grapevine.

yeah not so much

Emily thinks she's beating me at blogging, therefore, i'm blogging another blog that bloggers all over the world will read. Or not so much. Maybe just emily.

Second Title:
Tattoos:

Sometimes I see tattoos and I think they are disgusting. Other times, I see them and I believe they are a beautiful piece of artwork. I had a friend that said, because he wasn't an artist, and he couldn't draw, that his body was his canvas. Although, he was talking about his clothing, I think it pertains to this category of tattoos also.

I've been obsessed with the idea of writing...
Words,
Quotes,
Whatever. Just letters. Or symbols.
One time I saw a girl who had a half sleeve of starry night on her arm and i thought it was beautiful, but i'm to chicken to pull that off... It's my favorite picture though.

Hephzibah : Isaiah 62:4 meaning, my delight is in her. I tossed the idea of getting that tattooed across my lower back, which would classify me as having a "tramp Stamp" but i thought it would be funny and ironic... but i'd never put it there...


"Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:25-27..............I'm not sure where that one might go.

Jesus.... just written across my wrist or someplace visible to the world.

I would like, The Valley of Dry Bones - Ezekial 37 1-15 just on me. Because it does something to me everytime i read it. Maybe i'd have it tattooed upsidedown so i could read it.. and no one else, unless they wanted to look funny bending up-side-down.

The list is probably longer. But I think God is beautiful. And his words would be Beautiful on me.

The Time Traveler's Wife

In order to escape the reality that i choose to ignore, I have been reading The Time Traveler's Wife. It's wonderful. It is much different (and better) than the movie and reading it makes me judge the people who decided what parts make it into the movie. And it makes me want to be that person who makes the decisions and i also wonder if these decision makers even read the book.
The book reminds me that in the end, no matter the challenges and heartbreaks and tears and laughter, you've lived a life (or years) madly in love. And I think in the end, that makes it worth it. I think clare and henry love each other in a real way. Like real life. The book doesn't hide their struggles. It doesn't hide their mistakes. They definitely are just madly in love with loving each other and would do anything to protect the other. And i like that. Because I think that's how it should be. That's not a fantasy life i've dreamed up. And i don't think it's too much to ask. Just because it's in a book, doesn't mean it doesn't exist in life.
The End.